So, I was thinking about my blog the other day.

Some of you probably remember when I started blogging. I would write something nearly every day. It seemed that everywhere I went and everything I did, I was thinking about how I was going to turn it into a blog post. I couldn’t go to sleep at night until I wrote something on my blog. I had to control myself to keep from updating my blog multiple times throughout the day.

Of course, with all that blogging, I was also always hoping someone would read my blog. I would mention it in casual conversation. I would read blog posts about how to attract blog readers. I would read blogs about how to be a better blogger.

Each morning, I would make the rounds of all of the “successful” bloggers, lurking around to try to figure out what made them so popular. I would dream about the day when I would eventually BE a blogger. Someone would ask me what I “do,” and I would say, “Oh, I’m a blogger.” (As if that was an important thing to be.)

I would spend time each day reading blogs and leaving comments, hoping to attract more readers to my blog. Other bloggers would reciprocate by reading my blog, and then I would reciprocate by reading theirs and on and on and on. I would get annoyed and envious when someone else would write a blog post about the most trivial topic and get dozens, even hundreds, of comments.

And eventually, I was trying so hard to be a good blogger that it wasn’t as fun to write on my blog. I started to worry about the topics I was choosing. Would people be interested in reading them? What would people think of me if I wrote about THAT?

The one thing I do miss from that time is the interaction I got to have on a daily basis with readers. I loved my handful of loyal readers. I got to re-connect with friends from my childhood. I made new friends who I will probably never meet in real life. I also made new friends who I have met in real life and are now my real friends. And I got to know some friends on a deeper level from reading their blogs.

I realized that this year, I’ve gotten to the point where I’m almost afraid to blog. This year has been full of trials and challenges. It seems that most people who like my blog like it because it’s funny. And I haven’t felt very funny this year. I ran out of funny things to say. It’s much harder to write about personal topics and do it in a way that doesn’t sound whiny or preachy or annoying.

It’s also hard to write about serious topics and wonder who might be reading. And it’s hard to write about serious topics and think no one is reading because the topic was too serious.

It all became a vicious cycle. I stopped blogging as much. People stopped reading as much. Without the interaction of readers, I wasn’t motivated to blog.

It seems difficult for me to find a middle ground.

I no longer have any interest in trying to “attract” readers or trying to convince people to read my blog.  I’ve finally reached a point where I’m OK to write on my blog just because I want to write on my blog. It makes me feel better to write what’s on my mind. And if someone wants to read, that’s awesome! If they want to interact with me by leaving a comment, that’s even better.

I do love knowing someone might be out there reading. So, I’ll ask this question: Can anyone relate?

aug2011emily

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